How I Met My Masculine

by Adam Foley

I was on a small trail overlooking the Puget Sound when I had my first out-of-body experience and met my Soul. The trail wound along the high tide, next to a small cliff, with sparse trees and long grass on its edges. Not far from the local downtown, it hosts the occasion hiker–not an ideal place to fall into trance. But I seemed to have very little choice in the matter. It was within the first few months of meeting Elisa, and since that first moment, each day had become full of life-altering, energetic experiences. Just knowing Elisa, whether I was near her or hundreds of miles away, had set in motion a cascade of spiritual experiences. It was as if I had entered spiritual boot camp, and some unseen force was making sure I adhered to a strict schedule of mind-shattering, heart-expanding openings. This particular day on this shabby path was another one that would shape my life forever.

As I became overwhelmed with emotion, I lay down on the grass. A tingling came over my entire body and I slipped out of my skin, as easily as a fish jumping out of water. My consciousness floated higher and higher. Then I meet God. God felt like pure Love–a sea of Love from which we all came. God did not have a personality; it was a substance in which we all exist and which exists within us. I saw how we were all Souls. I saw that the Soul is the slightest individuated self, born from the God-ocean. This separation is necessary to create the identity that can then witness God. If we do not leave the ocean, we are unable to consciously experience the greatness of this interconnected Love.

Then, I felt my Soul, and He did have a personality. His individuated self valued all the deepest things that are completely unique to Adam. But what was surprising was His personality was almost entirely different from my ego’s personality. My Soul is unwavering and unconditional love, but not in the way I had ever known love, as Adam.

Up until this point, I had considered myself a pacifist. I trained in active listening and as a counselor of non-violent communication for talking circles. Everything I choose had come from mental ideals of what I thought Love was: how to get along, be receptive of others, and see past people’s flaws. But now in this moment of Soul embodiment, I knew that all my previous choices, no matter how noble they appeared, were actually rooted in my deep-seated fear of being confrontational. What I had known of Love was all based in fear, which was caused by existing in a patriarchal, wounded society. Traits I associated with men and masculinity were: stupid, brash, dominating and sexually aggressive. My life as a male, thus far, had been trying to balance our masculine-traumatized society through my own body and personality.

But when I felt my Soul, He was true Love as un-yielding power. He was calm and clear but strong and forceful. He penetrated with his Love. He had control and direction. Like an all-loving king, He could make others feel safe through his assertiveness, confidence and calculated wisdom. He was not afraid to fight for Love with an unwavering precision and concentration. He did not wait in peaceful, open, embrace. He was doing, He was action. He stared directly down the barrel of fear saying, “No more. I will not allow you to hide behind fear, because I love you that much.” He was not interested in proving, dominating or controlling, and yet He was the most powerful being I had ever met. He was Divinely Masculine.

And from this state above my body, as my mind tried to process what this all meant, I thought from my still-wounded place, “By God, my Soul is a real dick!” He was intimidating. I felt a very real clash of my current ego-identification versus who my Soul expected me to be. Despite the fearful thoughts, when I came back into my body, I was still elated with Love. I did not know exactly how to become my Soul but I could viscerally feel Him throughout my body.

Through the next few years He guided my through the necessary work of building the bridge between ego and Soul. At first, because I was still stuck in the identification of my personality, my Soul felt like a foreign stranger–and not necessarily a friendly one, due to his intense and direct nature. I even had several nightmares that He was coming for me, with a slowly daunting determination, as my ego tried to cling onto who I thought I was. His Love mission felt like a battle cry: He would not rest until Love prevailed. He would kill for Love–he would kill me, as I knew myself to be. But over time even my most resistant places could not resist the deep healing that my Soul provided. I surrendered to Him, little by little. Today, my ego is in service of my Soul. I am not rid of ego and never plan to be. My goal is not to annihilate the ego but to put the ego in his place. A healthy ego is in service of Soul, compassionate towards our humanity and a beautiful and essential part of the Human condition. The conscious humbling of the ego begins the path to become divinely human. The Soul’s job is to continually burn away the traumas that keep us small or hiding from our divinity.

When I do a Soul Session or retreat, I know and understand who I truly am, and I let that Love take complete control in my guidance. I don’t walk around the supermarket, stopping people and forcing them into Divine Love, because not everyone is ready (and man, would that be tiring). I actually usually keep my head bowed as I am naturally quite introverted—a nice cosmic joke from my Soul. But given the opportunity, when someone is really seeking Truth, my Divine Masculine comes out and goes to work. I will not allow you to hide behind fear, because I love you that much.